All I Want and Don't Want You to Know
by nakala
Summary: Maybe there was a reason for Mercedes not to take Sam back, and maybe it was deeper than she was willing to admit.


Disclaimer: I own nothing except the story itself any song mentioned belongs to the writer.

**All I Want and Don't Want You to Know **

I know I told him it was over. I even told him it was a summer fling. And it was. It had to be. It would hurt too much if I didn't see it like that. He left me, and Shane is here. We aren't in love; well, I'm not in love, and I hope that he isn't in love. I mean, we haven't been dating that long. Sure, it sounds bad, but it's true. I can't love Shane when I love someone else.

The day Sam came back he thought that everything was going to go back to normal. That we would start up where we left off. He was wrong. It will not be that easy. Sam said he would fight for me or something like that. He should because he left me. And although I won't admit it, and he doesn't know it; he's already won me over. I just don't want to give into him. He left me; I had finally found happiness at this God forsaken school, in this God forsaken town, and he left me.

Out of the blue, he was gone, and then out of the blue he's back. For New Directions. Not for me. I tried to get him to stay, tried to come up with ways he could stay, but he refused, said he wouldn't be a burden. Now he's back and all to help New Directions beat the Troubletones at sectionals. So, yeah, I love him, but I am thoroughly ticked off with him for the choices he's made.

If he could come back for New Directions, then surely he could have come home for me. That wasn't the case and even I if I want to run to him and give him the best welcome back ever, and boy do I want to; I can't. I won't. But God do I want to.

* * *

><p>They succeeded. They beat us. New Directions won. Not that it mattered any way because Shelby was ditching us after the performance. She didn't say anything to us, but I could tell. Not that she had a choice. It was hardly a secret about what she had done with Puck. He all but told everyone himself with that song he sang. Not to mention Quinn threatening to divulge everything that Puck had told her in confidence. That girl can be such a prick sometimes.<p>

But the main point is we lost. And it sucks so hard. I really wanted to show Schu that we were as good as his two-person dream team, and I think we did, but how could our mash-up compete with a ten-song line-up. We couldn't. So we lost. Did it hurt that Sam was up there with them going against me? Of course, it hurt, but he did look incredibly sexy while doing it. He had given this spiel about New Directions being a family blah, blah, blah, and thought it was wrong that we were separated, but he wasn't here when Mr. Schuester treated me like anything but family when he yelled at me in front of the 'family'. New Directions is no family, not really. They just make do.

And that's what the Troubletones had to do. Make do. We didn't want to go back, and I wasn't unless I was going to get the same opportunity to sing a solo as the rest. I don't know why Tina stayed. The girl can sing, but she doesn't even get the bit parts I was getting. It may seem 'diva-esque' to demand a solo, even I can admit that, but this is my senior year and glee is all I have. Singing is my passion, so, shoot me if I didn't want to be pushed aside and ignored. Again. Once everything was settled, I rejoined New Directions.

* * *

><p>Things have been good. Really good actually, but being around Sam everyday has been torture. I would catch him staring at me when he sang, and sometimes he even found ways to sit beside me. This was tough; being around him always did something to me. I could feel my stomach flutter and the heat rise in my cheeks. Baby-fat-lips (a nickname I gave him) gives me fever. I'm starting to think he's noticed. Not the blushing, he would have to look really hard or touch my cheek to notice the blushing, but he must be able to tell that being around him makes me uncomfortable because he's been popping up all over the place.<p>

* * *

><p>"Hey, Mercedes." I have to do this now or I'm not going to have the courage to do this at all.<p>

"Hey, Shane." I haven't broken things off with Shane yet. It's borderline evil, I know, but I've kind of been preoccupied with this Sam thing that I haven't had time to figure out how to end things. It's so wrong that I haven't given him another thought since Sam has returned, and I plan to make things right ASAP. I may not have intentions of getting back with Sam anytime soon, but I have to let Shane go for his own good.

"Where have you been? I haven't really seen you in a week and you haven't b been returning my calls." So things are worse than I thought. It seems to me that I've been avoiding my boyfriend. I am such a jerk.

"I'm sorry. There's just been a lot on my mind, what with glee and all of that." I couldn't tell him that all of that was Sam, especially not when I don't know what I want to do about him.

"Oh, that's it. I thought you were trying to avoid me or something. I figured that since Sam was back that maybe…"

I guess the time has come. I can't pretend that he's not right; it's not fair.

"I was going back to Sam." I say finishing his sentence.

"Well, yeah."

"No Shane. I'm not-that's not what's happening, but I have been-I think we should-"

"Break up." This is as hard as I thought it was going to be. Shane is staring back at me with the most pitiful puppy-dog eyes that break my heart because this shouldn't be happening to such a good guy.

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"It's okay; I know how you feel about Sam."

"But it's not-"

"Do you love me?"

I look into his eyes seeing the rejection and I dread the word that he knows I'm going to say, but I don't want him to hear. "No." My throat constricts as the word escapes my mouth.

"Do you love him?" Shane tilts his head in front of him gesturing behind me. I know who he's talking about but I turn around anyway to see Sam standing at his locker. He gives me a wink smiling as he lips the words 'hello beautiful'. I catch myself smiling and quickly turn it upside down. I can't let him do that to me. I can't allow him to wield so much power over me.

Turning back around, I realize that Shane has just watched this all play out. Immediately, my head falls down as I answer.

"Yeah." I am such a bad person. Shane is a great guy, but I can't see past Sam's pouty lips and gorgeous face to open up to him. Not that Sam's appearance is the only thing I love about him. Sam has a kind soul. He's not like the other guys around here. He loves freely and forgives easily. He's takes life's challenges and faces them head on. He is attentive and he sees me, not just what's on the outside but all of me. I love him because he is the perfect guy for me because I love everything about him. Even the things I hate.

"Hey, don't feel bad." Shane nudges my chin until I look him in the eyes. "I already knew how you felt about him. I can see it in your eyes when you look at him. I get it."

I know what he means. I know, but it's definitely not what he thinks.

"I can't compete."

He had mentioned this before about being insecure, but that was all this was because I would never choose one over the other based on looks. Things like that happened to me. I would never do that to anyone else.

"Shane, sweetie, it's not like that-I would never-I'm not trying to get back with Sam." Shane rolls his eyes. "I'm not. There's a lot of stuff there, unresolved, but I'm not breaking up with you because Sam looks better than you do. Because that's just not true. You know you're one sexy box of chocolate. It's just that you deserve someone who is as into you as you are into them. And right now, that's not me. I'm sorry. I hope we can still be friends."

Shane is a great guy. He's supportive and a great listener. I love talking to him and I would hate for him to be out of my life completely. However, looking at his sullen eyes, I can tell that he's going to be gone in all capacities.

"Some day. Maybe. Bye Mercedes."

"I understand. Bye Shane."

He leans in and kisses my cheek before leaving for football practice. Just as I turn to close my locker, I get that feeling, like a million butterflies are in my stomach, and I know he's there.

"Hey, Sam." When I look at him a look of confusion is plastered on his face. He is so adorable.

"Uh, hey, Mercedes, how did you know it was me? You didn't even look my way."

I shrug my shoulders in response. "I just know." Sam leans on the locker beside mine gazing at me.

"Your hair looks pretty." His hand comes toward me and I stop breathing as he tugs one of the many curls in my hair. My face heats instantly as his hand brushes it on the way down. I'm not ready for this. Being close so him.

"Thanks." I say shyly not quite gathered. He does these things to me. I can't seem to control my emotions when I'm around him. I'm like a gushing lovesick dope.

He catches this and his beautiful lips quirk into a knowing smile. That's all it takes for me to finally pull myself together.

"What do you want?" I close my locker and begin walking toward glee rehearsal, and he falls in line with me.

"Oh, nothing. I saw you and your boyfriend talking and things didn't look so good. Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm okay. And that's none of your business."

"Come on bay, I saw your face; I'm just trying to make sure you're good."

I falter in my steps as he uses his clipped version of baby he used so generously during our relationship. I mean summer fling.

"I'm good, really Sam."

"I know we may not be…even talking really, but I care about you, and I know you said that I should move on and that you had already-"

"Please get to the point Sam."

"Yeah, well," he looks down rubbing the back of his head, "I care about you, and well, I worry."

"O—kay. But really, Sam, I'm fine. Everything is fine." I couldn't tell him that Shane and I had broken up; he would just think it was because of him. It wasn't. He left me, and came back for them.

"Okay, whatever you say." He walks ahead into the room stopping to talk to Schu.

I walk past not sparing another glance in his direction, too grateful he's not near me at the moment. I look at the seats trying to find one sandwiched between anybody just as long as I don't have to sit by Sam. Smell Sam. Feel Sam. Finding what I'm looking for, I settle down between Kurt and Quinn.

"Hey, youse." I say garnering a smile from both Quinn and Kurt. Though I haven't spoke with either much in a while, not by my choice, since I've come back to New Directions things have been getting back to normal with Kurt and I, and Quinn was coming around too. Girlfriend has a lot of issues to deal with before she can really be anybody's true friend.

"Hey, Mercedes." They chorus.

"What do you think that's about?" Quinn says pointing towards Sam and Schu. She knows about our summer fling. Everyone does, Ben-Israel told everyone, but she's the only one that seem to acknowledge it besides Kurt. We've spoken briefly on the subject, but I couldn't allow myself to dig into it further. I didn't need to I was with Shane, and honestly, I didn't want to hear what she or Kurt had to say. I wanted to be over Sam, but I'm not and today proves that. And now I need to talk.

"I don't know and don't care." I look up at Sam and he catches my eye. I hate when he does that. "Hey, guys, can we get together after rehearsal. I need to talk to you."

"You're finally ready to tell us all the sordid details of your affair with Sam and why you're still with that Shane."

"Kurt don't say it like that, it wasn't an affair. And Shane is an awesome person. And unlike you and Blaine, Mr. I'm no longer a virgin, there was nothing sordid about Sam and I."

"Not an affair, huh. Wasn't it you that described it as, what did you say, oh yeah, a 'summer fling'."

"Uh, uh, yeah it was." He got me. Blast that Kurt.

"So what is it, Mercedes?" Kurt has backed me into a corner. He always knows how to get what he wants.

"After rehearsal, everything."

Kurt gives Quinn a quick glance. How can they pass up the opportunity to hear everything?

"We're in. Of course, I'll have to cancel the Lima Bean with Blaine, but I'll be there."

"So that's what you're calling _it_ now?" Kurt's faces turns the brightest color of pink I have ever seen on a human and looks over to make sure Blaine didn't hear me talking about their _time_ together. Both Quinn and I break out into quiet laughter as not to embarrass Kurt any further. "Thanks guys, my place right after."

"No problem."

"Sure."

Just as our conversation comes to a close and our laughter subsides, Mr. Schu is standing in front of us with Sam beside him.

"Alright, guys, listen up. Sam has something he wants to sing before we start." Looking at Sam. "You got it."

"Thanks, Mr. Schu, so, um, I want to sing this song for the girl that stole my heart one summer. I know you don't want to hear it but…I love you."

As the band begins to play Sam looks directly in my eyes, and I can't look away. He's got all of my attention. I want to look away but I can't.

Ted begins playing the introduction to the song and tears spring into my eyes. It's not the song, per se, but the meaning behind it. Our summer was filled with days in the local park, and nights under the stars at the lake.

I see us in the park  
>Strolling the summer days of imaginings in my head<br>And words from our hearts  
>Told only to the wind felt even without being said<br>I don't want to bore you with my trouble  
>But there's somethin' bout your love<br>That makes me weak and  
>Knocks me off my feet<p>

He doesn't move. He doesn't do anything. Sam just sings. Sings to me like I'm the only person in the room.

There's somethin' bout your love  
>That makes me weak and<br>Knocks me off my feet  
>Knocks me off my feet<p>

Artie and Puck move behind him aiding in the chorus.

I don't want to bore you with it.  
>Oh but I love you. I love you. I love you.<p>

I love you too.

I don't want to bore you with it.  
>Oh but I love you. I love you. I love you<br>More and more  
>We lay beneath the stars<br>Under a lover's tree that's seen through the eyes of my mind  
>I reach out for the part<br>Of me that lives in you that only our two hearts can find

The more he sings the more I am reminded of our time together. It was the happiest time of my life. I have never felt so much love in my entire life. But he took that away. How can I forgive him for finding it so easy to leave me? When I needed him.

But I don't want to bore with my trouble  
>But there's somethin' bout your love<br>That makes me weak and  
>Knocks me off my feet<br>There's somethin' bout your love  
>That makes me weak and<br>Knocks me off my feet

I can barely stand when I'm near you.

Knocks me off my feet

The breathe is knocked out of my chest when you're eyes meet mine. Every time.

I don't want to bore you with it  
>Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you<br>Darling I don't want to bore you with it  
>Oh but I love you, I love you, I love you<br>More and more makes me weak and knocks me off my feet

When he finishes, I am fighting with all of my strength not to run up to him and strangle him in my love. I can feel my beating heart pounding feverishly to escape the cage binding it to my being and join the heart that is bound to it through love unconditional. But I am stronger than my heart, I know best. There is no certainty within his arms. As a cool summer breeze, he is not guaranteed to stay. I cannot permit my heart to succumb to bliss, if only for a moment, for when it has passed, it will be no more.

The tears that strain for release are jerked back. I cannot betray myself. I will not be the traitor my heart yearns to be.

I break the hold his gaze has on me turning to anything and everything, except him. I don't know what he sees when he looks into my eyes, but I hope that he hasn't seen _me_.

He takes his seat glancing in my direction once more. He doesn't turn around again during practice.

"Are you alright?"

"I-I'll be okay." Quinn doesn't say anything more as Schu starts in on the assignment for this week.

"Since the holidays are right around the corner we are going to do holiday songs. You have the choice. Duets, solos, or group, it's up to you."

We all congregate after he finishes. Kurt, Quinn, Blaine, and I talk in our secluded corner while the rest break into their little groups. Rachel and Finn huddle farther away from everyone else, while Tina and Mike sit in front of us trying to come up with something that reflects both of them. Santana and Brittany are hugged up in one chair and I seriously doubt they are thinking about Christmas songs right now. As for the rest, they are with Sam, which means I have no idea where they are because I refuse to acknowledge his presence. I can't. I wouldn't be able to restrain myself from giving him the confession he expects from me, after laying it all on the line.

"So I guess we all know what we're doing except you, huh, Mercedes?"

"Well Blaine we can't all be like you now can we?"

"I guess not, but you can always try."

"You're too cute Blaine. Note the sarcasm cutie."

With a roll of his eyes and a smack of his teeth, Blaine continues questioning me about what I'm going to sing. "So, what are you gonna do.?"

"I don't know. I'll figure it out."

Kurt, Blaine, and Quinn continue talking about their selections, and I find myself lost in thought. I don't know how to handle this situation with Sam. I know what I want to do, but there's a possibility that in the end I could just get hurt again. Also, there is this torrent of anger coursing along side of the love and desire I have for Sam. How can he justify coming back for a group that hasn't always been kind to him, when he couldn't or rather wouldn't stay for me. The sound of papers ruffling and sneakers trampling signals to me that rehearsal is over. Standing up I say my goodbyes.

"Kurt, Quinn, my place five don't forget."

"Okay."

"I won't forget."

"I won't let him forget, what kind of friend would he be if he forgot."

"Oh, Blaine, you are just the best." Kurt says adoringly to Blaine.

I roll my eyes at the lovebirds and make a beeline for my car hoping I don't run into Sam.

* * *

><p>I'm sitting on my bed listening to Chris August's <em>Kind of Alone<em> wondering how I ended up here, broken-hearted and lonely, when Kurt and Quinn burst into my room.

"Spill! We want to hear it all. Everything." Their grinning faces immediately fade to frowns as they notice the melancholic atmosphere surrounding me. Quinn is the first to speak.

"Merce, what's wrong."

"I love him."

"Awww, sweetie, that's nothing new." Quinn plops on the bed next to me crossing her legs Indian-style. "What's wrong with that?"

"I don't know."

Kurt takes a seat on the floor beside me laying his head on my knee mulling things over. He doesn't know everything about me and Sam, no one does. But I guess that's my fault for lying about it to Ben-Israel. Poking me in the thigh, he looks me in the eyes challenging me.

"Yes you do. Mercedes, what happened? And we want to know everything."

I start with the beginning. The only way they are going to understand why I feel the way I do is if they realize that Sam and Mercedes wasn't just a fling.

_It all started prom night. Not immediately but it opened up a dialogue between the two of us. Before the proposition, I don't think Sam had ever even looked my way. I'm not the typical girl he usually goes for. I can't even say that I had given him a second look aside from checking out those truly unique lips that fills up his face when he smiled. That night as cliché as it sounds was magical for me. I had a date, albeit a business arrangement, but it all worked out well because Rachel was with Jessie, so, essentially I was with Sam. I found him to be more than what I saw. He was more than some weak puppy lead by the nose by Quinn or Santana's sex toy doormat. He was kind, and attentive. Sam was the most sincere person I knew. He did things with conviction. The more we talked before prom the more intrigued I became with him. It was endearing to hear him speak about his sister and brother and how much he wished that they didn't have to go through everything that they were going through so young. He spoke about being glad that he could help his parents out in any way that he could, that it gave him a sense of pride. On the surface, he may come across as a little confused or even simple, but beyond appearances, he was someone with wisdom beyond his years, and strong for going through what he was facing with a smile. _

_All the emotions swirling around chaotically within me fell in line when he finally asked me to dance. After not seeing him much at all once getting to the prom, I figured he had maybe forgotten me, and I wouldn't see him again until he needed his ride home. I was wrong. So wrong and I had never been so happy to be wrong in all my days. To top it all off he told me that I looked beautiful. I have been told that I was pretty or cute, but no one had ever told me that I was beautiful and mean it. He meant it because Sam doesn't do or say anything that he doesn't mean. It may have been the last dance of the prom and the only dance where I was actually dancing with someone and not a group, but I wouldn't trade that dance for all the guys in the school._

_The ride home was comfortably quiet. There weren't any expectations, which repelled any tension that could have been. I didn't get the fairytale ending that I always dreamed about; there wasn't a profession of love or first times, I didn't even get a mind blowing kiss, just a simple peck on the cheek, a 'thank you for tonight,' and a new friend._

_Things escalated slowly. We talked more began to hang out more. Sam wasn't preoccupied with other girls so he had time for me. When Kurt left, I didn't have anyone. Quinn was over her friendship with me, also, leaving me alone. They spoke to me occasionally, but neither really had any time for me. Everyone had their own thing, not sparing me a thought. Yet, Sam was there. It amazed me how no one noticed how close we had become. In New York, we were nearly inseparable. His constant presence being the only thing that kept me from losing it when I found out that Kurt and Rachel did the whole breakfast at tiffany's and singing on a Broadway stage thing. Sam made me feel wanted. _

_I never felt that more than when he ran to me after we finished singing at nationals wrapping me in his strong reassuring arms. That was the moment things changed for us. Looking in his eyes, I saw him, all of him, what he felt. It was as if I was peering into his soul and I needed him. I could also see me. As crazy as it sounds, I could see the feelings that had been brewing, bubbling under the surface increasing over time. What I saw in his eyes mirrored everything that I was feeling. _

_We didn't revisit those emotions until summer. _

_Phone calls were frequent; however, we had yet to get together in person, what with his extra workload, and me helping my dad out at his dental office there wasn't any time. A few weeks into June, Sam shows up at my house one Friday morning. Luckily, I answered the door because my dad would have scared him off. Unfortunately, I was still wearing my _Princes and the Frog_ pajamas. I was mortified to say the least. He was donning his award-winning smile when he told me he missed me. Confused, I proceeded to tell him that we talk every day so he couldn't miss me. From there, he described what he missed about me, and I was floored with how much he noticed the little things about me. Like when I'm nervous I bite my bottom lip, and how soft my voice gets when I'm scared, or guessing how I'm going to incorporate purple into my outfit each day. He missed the smell of vanilla and magnolias that follows me, and the way I smiled when I noticed him walk into a room. He missed finding ways to touch me and how he felt when our eyes met. All I could reply was that I missed him too. _

_From that day on, we always made time for each other. There were days spent in the park with no distractions just him and me with nothing fancy or deterring. Sometimes we would stay up late lying on the trunk of my car at the lake gazing at the stars talking about everything from college to comics. It was on one of these nights that Sam confessed his love for the first time, and I told him that he was everything to me. He was my best friend, my strength. I was deeply in love with him and I wanted him to know it. _

_Less than a month passed after we professed our undying love to one another he tells me he's leaving. His family is going to live with his grandmother or something of the sort. I was broken. I was losing my world. I was losing the only person who cared for me. I offered him the pool house, told him my dad would give him a job in his office; I tried everything, but in the end, he refused my help and left taking with him my heart. _

_I felt it would be easier to break all ties, don't call, don't write, email, text. Nothing. It hurt like crazy, but I had to move on there was nothing I could do about the situation and hearing from him would be like ripping apart a partially healed wound. _

_So I found Shane. I really tried with him. It may have worked but Sam came back. He took Rachel and Finn's offer. Mine weren't good enough for him, but he could come back for _them_. For New Directions. _

When I finish, tears are streaming down my face, and Kurt has moved from the floor to my side hugging me as Quinn rubs my back to calm me down.

"Mercedes, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"You were having a rough time, Kurt; you were being bullied and needed someone other than me to help you. I get it; I guess. Blaine could relate."

"But I didn't have to shut you out all together." He leans back looking me in my eyes. "I never said I was sorry and you just took me back, Mercedes you are something else, but don't ever let that happen again. I should have never left you out you're my soul mate."

"I know that's why it was so easy to forgive you." I say chuckling wiping away my tears.

The next thing I know I'm snatched from Kurt's arms and wrapped in a bear hug.

"Mercedes I was so-how could I have-you were my only friend when-" Quinn breaks out into a blubbering sobbing mess, while Kurt looks on eyes glistening."I owe you my sanity, and I just pushed you aside after Beth was born like you weren't my biggest supporter. I. Am. So. Sorry. Mercedes don't ever let things go that far again. I need you. You keep me grounded."

"I think I can do that."

Finally succumbing to all the estrogen skating around in the room Kurt hugs me from behind resting his head on my shoulder. If you were to look in on us right now, we would look like some of the most pitiful snotty-nosed saps you ever saw huddled up on my bed.

"I love you guys so much."

"We love you too, Mercedes."

We remain immersed in our newly found understanding until we hear my mom screaming at me to come down stairs. Grabbing some Kleenex, we all clean our faces and head down to see what my mom wants.

"What's up mom?"

"Sam's here to see you. He's outside said he needs to talk to you."

I stop breathing literally. He's here. What am I going to do? Do I want to talk to him? Am I ready to talk to him? I'm pulled from my racing thoughts when Quinn and Kurt hug me respectively and tell me bye.

"Wait, where are you going?"

"It looks like we're leaving, Merce, you need to talk to him. Let him know how you feel. You love him and he told us all today that he loves you. He deserves that much. You both do."

"She's right; although I wish it was me, who said it, listen to her. Talk to him. We'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay, bye you guys."

I watch as they leave dreading the conversation that should have occurred the minute I saw Sam again.

* * *

><p>Walking out the front door, I see Sam sitting on the trunk of my car with his head downcast. I stand on the porch just watching him for some time. Taking him in. We haven't been alone, just the two of us, since the summer. I have been avoiding him, for the most part, since his return; I hadn't noticed that his hair is shorter and darker. It looks more natural. Softer, if that's even possible. There is something else there. Something internal that wasn't there before, almost as if he's been carrying the cares of the world on his shoulders. He seems stronger.<p>

Sam looks up at me on the porch and smiles when his eyes meet mine, only this time it's half a smile. I break our connection taking my turn to look down as I walk down the steps to stand at the door on the driver's side of my car.

"The lake?" I say without looking at him.

"Sure."

I climb into my 1965 Mustang, and he follows me. The silence in the car is stifling. I chance a glance at him and find him looking directly at me. Quickly I turn to face the road. He sighs before facing forward, I feel his breath on my cheek, and it's as if it seeps into my soul caressing my heart.

I pull into our regular spot by the lake. As if on autopilot, we both exit the car and sit on the trunk. I don't know where to start, so, I don't. I just look out in front of me at nothing in particular.

"What's going on?"

"How do you mean, Sam?" Sam takes a deep breath releasing it in a huff. He's getting frustrated; I know I should be feeling bad because it's mostly my fault, but I can't help but notice how cute he is when he's upset.

"You won't talk to me. When you do, it's like you don't want to. I'm back. I thought you of all people would have been happy about that." Hopping off the trunk, Sam moves to stand in front of me forcing me to look at him. His eyes are pleading, asking me to be honest with him. I feel the familiar prick of threatening tears and I suppress them for now.

"Sam you left me." I stare into his eyes. I'm hurting and it's time he found out how much.

"Bay you know I didn't have a choice." Emotion saturates his words staking my heart. "I needed to help my family out."

"But you're here now; you're not helping your family out right now. Are you?"

Sam closes his eyes tilting his head towards the sky. "No, I'm not but-"

"But nothing Sammy, you couldn't stay for me because you _had_ to help your family, but you came back for them." The pain in my voice is laced with anger and betrayal. How could he come back for them and not me?

His eyes pop open at my words and his brow furrows in confusion. "For who?"

"For New Directions. You came back for them." A tear falls as I whisper out my last few words. I see Sam's hand moving toward my face, but I stop him. "Don't." Agony flashes across his beautiful features causing my heart to ache. I don't like seeing him in pain.

"I didn't come back for them." I'm shocked by the disbelief I see reflected in his soft green eyes.

"You didn't come back for me." Mumbling is something that I don't usually do, yet, at this moment I find it difficult to say the words I know he needs to hear for fear of what may be the outcome.

"I didn't-not for them, listen Mercedes, I came back for me. I wasn't happy where I was, and I was doing things for money that no teenager should do."

"Sam?"

"No, not that but close enough for me to feel dirty. But I had to do it. That's why I came back. I needed to get away from there. I was losing me. I'm not a man that has to support a family. Sure, I thought I needed to before, but I don't, and I didn't realize that until Finn and Rachel came to talk to me. You don't know how many times I wanted to call you and tell you that I'll take any of the options you gave me, but you weren't taking my calls. You cut me off like everything we shared didn't mean anything."

"Didn't mean anything! Sam I gave you everything. I never held anything back from you. You were everything to me, Sammy. I couldn't stand to hear your voice and not see your face; feel your arms around me. It would have been too much. I did what I had to do. It tore me up inside knowing you had to leave, but I understood. I would never ask you to choose me over your family. I know how much they mean to you, but you came back, but not for me. So all I could think was that they mean more to you than me. I wasn't good enough." I say with tears streaming down my face.

"Bay, no! It wasn't like that. You're more than good enough, baby. Never think that I see you that way because I never could." He steps closer in between my legs, wiping my tears away with his thumbs. "I tried to pick things back up where we left off, but you had _moved on _with this Shane guy, and spouting all of this stuff about me moving on. I haven't spoken with you since I left, Mercedes. How was I supposed to know how you felt? As far as I could tell, you were fine. Though I was still fighting for you, I felt that maybe you _had_ moved on with dude. That is until today. I know you guys broke up. Puck texted me after football practice. Then after I finished singing, I could see that something was wrong. I could see it in your eyes Mercedes. You looked hurt. Did he do something to you?"

"No, _he_ didn't do anything to me." He never left me.

"Then what is it, bay?" Sam grabs my face cradling it in his hands. I take hold of his hands removing them from my face. I don't let go as I begin to talk.

"Sam, when I say that you're everything to me, I mean it. I have never felt more love than when I was with you. Then you left and took all of that with you. You left me, Sam, and I was alone again. I had no idea you were coming back. All I knew was that my heart was gone, and it wasn't coming back. Shane was my way of trying to lessen the pain. That was me trying to fill the empty space that your absence made. I never felt anything for him. Sometimes I wish I could because he deserved as much but I couldn't. I couldn't love him even if he loved me. I love you, Sammy."

"I love you too, Mercedes. So what's the problem?"

I lower my head to look at our intertwined fingers.

"I'm scared. How do I know that you won't leave me again? I can't take you losing you again, Sam, I just can't."

I unlock our fingers to push him away so that I can slide off the trunk of my car. He looks at me hurt and angry, whether at himself or me I don't know. I push it out of my head as I get behind the wheel of the car and head home.

The ride home is no different from before except he doesn't look at me this time.

My mind is in a freefall. My head is screaming at me to stay away, to preserve my heart, yet, my heart is screeching to make up with its better half. I don't know what to do. With him so close, I feel my body reacting on its own accord. Fingers itching to be tied in his hair. Lips tingling to be pressed against his. My head yearning to lie on his shoulder. The conflicting thoughts swirling around in my mind have me so distracted I don't realize that I have made it home.

I rush out the car needing distance between Sam, and me but he trails closely behind walking me to my door.

Before I can open the door, he grasps my hand tangling his fingers in mine.

"Bay, I want you to know that I love you. I know we didn't end things right. _Both_ of us. You cut me off and that wasn't fair. And I didn't let you know how much you truly mean to me. Now I'm back, Mercedes, and I'm not going anywhere, and if I have to go anywhere I will find a way for us to be together because I will not-cannot live without you. If I'm everything to you, you're my everything. I love you and I want us to be together."

"Sam, I-"

"It's okay, babe, I can wait."

I can't stop the surge of tears that flow from my eyes as he leans in pressing his lips against mine in a tender assuring kiss.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should give us a second chance.

* * *

><p>Last night he called. We spoke briefly. He just wanted to see how I was doing, catch up. Sam and I haven't spent any time alone since last week. Deep inside I want more than anything to give up this continuing current of affliction I am causing myself. It was laid out there for me to see. He still loves me and wants to be with me. A misunderstanding of epic proportions had occurred, and I was still perpetuating the consequences of said mistake. Logically I find it hard to let go. Fear is gripping me too tightly just to take him back. Insecurity obscures my intuition that I don't have to worry that he'll leave me again, but I have been sideswiped one time too many this year. First, it was my grandfather; he died right before school started this fall. Then, Kurt abandoned me because he didn't need me. And Quinn well she left a while ago, but it still hurt as if she just decided not to be my friend yesterday. People have been wafting in and out of my life at an alarming rate all within this year. Sure, they're back now. Well, Quinn and Kurt are. My granddad will never be back. Sam's back too, in a way, and he was right; I was so excited when he came back. I was so happy that I was going to see him again, but that was short-lived as anger flooded my heart and pushed that aside. But now, now I am left with all these contradicting thoughts. Should I or shouldn't I? And how do I come to a conclusion.<p>

Tomorrow's the day that I present my Christmas song for glee. I haven't really given it any thought actually. With my internal battle, I just haven't wanted to think about this stupid assignment. Instead, I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do about Sam.

Realizing that I can't do anything about my situation with Sam, I decide to find a song for glee. That should be easier than trying to overcome all of my hang-ups just by just thinking about them.

* * *

><p>"So Mercedes are you ready to go?"<p>

"Yes, Mr. Schu."

I was ready. I was ready for everything. As I browsed my Christmas music last night listening to songs from Nat King Cole to Justin Bieber, it came to me. I was being too cautious with my heart, allowing fear to dictate my actions and ultimately my happiness. Am I happy now? No. Was I happy with Sam? Yes. No matter how things ended, it was the most fulfilled I've been in a long time. So what do I need to do about it? I need to let him know that he is what I want and need.

"Okay, everybody I want you to give your attention to Mercedes."

As I walk to the front, Kurt and Quinn come along. I stand in the center of the floor in front, as they flank me. Sam is sitting in his usual spot in front with Puck. When I look at him, he's looking at me giving me his full attention. However, he doesn't smile. I guess he's not too pleased with my indecision. He doesn't have to be for long; so, I smile my ear-to-ear trademark smile and wink at him. Caught off guard with my current disposition toward him, he looks at me quizzically and smiles back. That's my cue to begin. I'm glad I thought to kill two birds with one stone. I have the perfect Christmas song, and I can tell Sam how I feel.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes and begin singing. Here goes nothing.

I don't want a lot for Christmas  
>There is just one thing I need<br>I don't care about the presents  
>Underneath the Christmas tree<br>I just want you for my own  
>More than you could ever know<br>Make my wish come true  
>All I want for Christmas is...<br>You

Sam points to himself as I finish the lingering note and the band starts to kick up the tempo. I have to say it makes my heart ecstatic to nod yes. I step closer to him, singing only to him as if he and I are the only people in the room.

I don't want a lot for Christmas  
>There is just one thing I need<br>I don't care about the presents  
>Underneath the Christmas tree<br>I don't need to hang my stocking  
>There upon the fireplace<br>Santa Claus won't make me happy  
>With a toy on Christmas day<br>I just want you for my own  
>More than you could ever know<br>Make my wish come true  
>All I want for Christmas is you<br>You baby

I reach for his hand and he grabs mine instantly as we start dancing together. He stands behind me arms wrapped around my waist as we sway from side to side. I can see Kurt and Quinn smiling wildly as they attempt a little dancing themselves as they continue helping me sing.

I won't ask for much this Christmas  
>I won't even wish for snow<br>I'm just gonna keep on waiting  
>Underneath the mistletoe<p>

At this point, everyone has coupled off and started dancing along and singing with us.

I won't make a list and send it  
>To the North Pole for Saint Nick<br>I won't even stay awake to  
>Hear those magic reindeers click<br>'Cause I just want you here tonight  
>Holding on to me so tight<br>What more can I do  
>Baby all I want for Christmas is you<br>Ooh baby  
>All the lights are shining<br>So brightly everywhere  
>And the sound of children's<br>Laughter fills the air  
>And everyone is singing<br>I hear those sleigh bells ringing

I break free from Sam's hold to face him as I sing the rest of the song.

Santa won't you bring me the one I really need  
>Won't you please bring my baby to me...<p>

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas  
>This is all I'm asking for<br>I just want to see my baby  
>Standing right outside my door<br>Oh I just want you for my own  
>More than you could ever know<br>Make my wish come true  
>Baby all I want for Christmas is...<br>You

The music slows to a stop and I softly sing out the last line.

All I want for Christmas is you... baby

When I finish, I receive claps from everyone, even Mr. Schu, but that doesn't matter because Sam is standing in front of me with his hands resting on my hips gazing into my eyes, and it's all I can do not to devour him with my love in front of everyone. Mr. Schu speaks and we are jolted out of our moment.

"Alright that was it for today. Tomorrow it's Sam, Puck, and Artie."

New Direction files out of the room, Kurt and Quinn giving me knowing smirks.

Standing in front of Sam, I am filled with so much joy. "So, what do you say?"

"Say to what?" He says playfully.

"You know."

"But you haven't said anything. How can I answer a question that wasn't asked?"

"Okay I guess I deserve that. What do you say to giving us a go again?"

"You sure? I don't want you rushing into anything because I'm getting restless." Shedding his jesting attitude adopting a more serious one.

"Sammy, baby, I don't think I have ever been more sure of anything else. I love you, you are everything to me, and I want to be your everything. I just needed time to think things through; little did I know that it would all lead back to you. You make me happy. You make me whole. I can't see myself without you, and even if things don't work out the way I want, I'm willing to risk it because I love you."

Through my glistening eyes, I see Sam walk toward me and before he can reach me, I make up the difference in space. Reaching him, I place my hands on either side of his face pulling his lips to mine. Lip to lip I feel my heart rate skyrocket the pounding echoing in my ears. As his lips move against mine, I slip my hands around his neck where I rake my fingers through the hair at the nape. I feel his hands grip my hips pulling me closer to him eliciting a gasp from me. Noticing an opportunity, Sam slips his tongue into my mouth, intensifying the surge of emotions flowing through me. I melt into him nothing on my mind except his lips and hands and our love.

We both pull away gasping for air after forever, but I keep him close, our foreheads touching, and my hands still wrapped around his neck. I'm never letting him go again.

"Bay, I missed you so much." He breathes out over my lips.

"I missed you too. I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Being Stupid."

"Then I'm sorry too. 'Cause I was stupid too."

"Fair enough. Now let's get out of here. There are a lot things I want to do with you that don't include talking, or apologizing."

I pull my Sammy in for another brief kiss before we walk out hand in hand to my car.

Before we get into the car, Sam hugs me tightly kissing me on the cheek then opens my door for me.

The radio is blasting when I crank the car.

"Mercedes, what is that?"

"Bieber, _Mistletoe_, why?"

"Why are you listening to Bieber? You don't listen to Bieber."

"Maybe not but his Christmas album is pretty good, this is my favorite song. It reminds me of you."

"Me?"

"Yeah." I say with a twinkle in my eye. Nothing more is said as I drive us to my place. This time it's not strained like before it's just the opposite. I look over at him knowing that I will love him forever.

I turn the radio up as Justin continues singing.

Eh, love, the wise men followed the star  
>The way I follow my heart<br>And it led me to a miracle

Eh love, don't you buy me nothing  
>I am feeling one thing, your lips on my lips<br>That's a very, merry Christmas

It's the most beautiful time of the year  
>Lights fill the streets spreading so much cheer<br>I should be playing in the winter snow  
>But I'mma be under the mistletoe<p>

I don't want to miss out on the holiday  
>But I can't stop staring at your face<br>I should be playing in the winter snow  
>But I'mma be under the mistletoe<br>With you, shawty with you  
>With you, shawty with you<br>Shawty with you, under the mistletoe  
>Kiss me underneath the mistletoe<br>Show me baby that you love me so-oh-oh  
>Oh, oh, ohhh<br>Kiss me underneath the mistletoe,  
>Show me baby that you love me so-oh-oh<br>Oh, oh, ohhh

**Okay you guys thanks for reading and don't forget to review. This was supposed to be up before Christmas but that didn't happen so here it is now. I hope you liked it.**

**Don't forget to review. **

**Nakala **


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